Grace carried us that Christmas

Christmas was rapidly approaching and I was totally unprepared. This wasn't unusual... I was unprepared for Christmas each and every year. However, in past years my heart really celebrated the Advent season and while feeling rushed, harried and hassled I always knew everything would be completed in time for our big, wonderful Italian Christmas Eve dinner.

But this year was different - very different - and even though it had been eleven months and I had taken a class on "Getting Through the Holidays," I was still not looking forward to it - to any of it! I wanted to run and hide from it! But I couldn't run, I couldn't hide. I had to go on - even if I could not imagine how I was going to get through the first Christmas in 36 years without my helpmate, my soul mate, my love.

Plus, I wasn't dealing with just my own feelings. My mother was 91 years old and the last year had been very difficult on her. She lived with us and every day, during the day, Bob stopped home just to check on her and see to her needs. She missed him terribly and I knew I couldn't burden her with my feelings, so I kept them to myself.

As for my sons - well they were grown men and each was dealing with the loss of his father, mentor and friend in the best way he could. Yes, all their lives had drastically changed, too. They and their sweet wives worried about me and did all that they could to help ~ but sharing my grief with them was just not my way.

I did what was expected at work and then I came home and did what was needed there. I did all of this without any feeling and certainly not with any enthusiasm. My heart was heavy and sad and I just wanted to protect it for fear it would completely break and then I'd never be able to smile again. I began to understand what people meant when they said they had a "heavy heart."

And, by the looks on everyone's faces I think my heavy heart was felt by others. I could tell they were all feeling sympathetic and that was the last thing I needed or wanted. From the time I was a little girl, someone feeling sorry for me always did me in and I certainly didn't want to feel like a child again wanting just to cuddle up and be comforted and protected. After all I was a grown woman with a responsible job, a home and a family! Yet I felt all alone.

Prayer was my refuge... I seemed to pray constantly during the day and I started sleeping with a Crucifix in my hand and found it very comforting. I asked God to remove the pain in my heart. I begged Him to please take pity on me so that I could continue the way I knew Bob would have expected me to. Sometimes I felt God wasn't listening and answering or I wasn't hearing His message... was He trying to teach me patience? Was He showing me His timing is not necessarily mine?

We hear people speak of Grace, and I never quite understood just what that was. Scripture tells us we don't get it a minute too soon or a minute too late and it is there for the asking. Well, as I look back on that time I know it was nothing I did that helped me get through it other than prayer. I was too numb to help myself but the prayers of those who loved me, along with my own prayers, shielded me and helped me walk the necessary path known as grief.

I know it was the Grace of God that carried us that Christmas Eve. The dinner was sad since we were all aware of Bob not being there but everyone did all that they could to make it wonderful for everyone else. I think what really helped us was that we wanted to make it special for Angelica, Anthony and Alexis who were young and missed their Pop Pop. In our selfless giving for their feelings ours were somewhat mended.

After dinner everyone helped clean up and then went home. Everyone but Joey and Kathleen. They had decided to spend the night so that I didn't wake up on Christmas morning alone.

As we were getting ready for bed Joey said, "Mom what a glorious Christmas Dad is having...."

Yes and, Thank God, so was I!

-- Mickie Ferrante